Today in good spirits, I visited my grandparents, extended family. Following that, I met up with Ed, looking forward to every moment of shopping at Great Mall. Then I get an unpleasant from [must not be named] asking when his money was to be repaid. My mood instantly turned sour, as I explained to Ed why [mnbn] deserved nothing more from me.
After sliding my mealpoints when I was still oncampus (which each were hardearned, took 4 jobs to rightfully be mine), cleaning in his red ant-infested, hair-flyed carpet, restroom, rusted restroom and shower tub by hand and suffering massive red rashes down my back and rudeness towards me and guests and inappropriate criticism of one month. I have repaid: a friendship that was one-sided, food to feed a hungry bastard who wouldn't in return treat me to a meal (instead yell at me) and only cared one bit for me unless he benefit from this exchange. In more ways, this is worth more a month's rent.
But words are cheap. This person doesn't see this or understand. He wants money from me, and he calls to inquire when I can make this payment.
And with that short story, we continued to shopping, talking and catching up, like it was old times. It's been about 2 years since I was last there, looking for a dress for his senior prom. We laughed, joked as it was before. I'm very lucky to have Ed in my life. He's the only friend who makes time for to chill each time I'm in the bay.
I'm also blessed to have 'family' in SD. My love is waiting for me to come back. The only thing he wants from me is to leave my sadness and to share happier times during times of struggles. My new Costa Verde apt w/ Susan is one where we can both breathe easier now. There's no air of hostility. No silent awkward treatment.
The people who make it their happiness lined with green isn't worth my time. I know this guy isn't worth a single cent that reflects my long summer days. My friends who watched me work myself to the bone can vouch for this fact. These kind of people who take aready and come back to take more are mere sad existences. If you stand in my shoes, you see no reason to take what is rightfully mine, and never was yours.
If it's money [mnbn] wants, take it and fuck off. Another man who knows how to only take. Don't know how to be a real man.
I know [mnbn] will, sadly. That's how it'll end. But you know, I've learned to move on.. I have what he will always be seeking: a love to attend to his whims and friends who are truer than acquaintances. hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha. Good luck, buddy.
On a lighter note, the title is a line of a chorus from 'Heart of Greed'. The style of writing was inspired by Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club. I hope to teach my kids one day that money ain't all that.
So this is the entry I promised for a long time (more like a week), almost a month since my last post. Been pretty busy lately. It's now the end of 8th week. One quiz the following week, 2 finals during 10th weeks and 2 more following fer finals week.
Status report: -- Doing well, school's coming together. Best class is Chinese; still debating if I want to continue with psych. Aiming for a 3.0+ GPA this term.. which I haven't obtained in over a year. -- The quarter from work is starting to prove worthwhile. I'm hoping it could continue as long as it can; planning to look into research labs in the summer and for the fall. -- I'm aready scared for nxt yr.. mostly in financing for the upcoming year. Right now, I might have not have aid for summer.. or the following yr. Hopefully it wont come to an extreme. -- Still looking into housing for the nxt yr. The worst is looking into subletting if we dont have our place in time.
That's it in terms of school.
Summer: Summer Session begins on the 23rd (about a week from finals) and continue until the 22nd of Aug. So far there are plans of going home twice in Aug: 1. Sheila's bday weekend and following SS. Daily weekday classes, beach, gym and exploring SD. -----
Now a year older (or at least by label), it's another milestone. 10 years ago, I've just moved to San Leandro still in elementary school. Back then, the 45minute public bus (36x) ride to get to school felt like hours. The adults who were also commuting kept a watchful parental eye on me and my brother+ sister. That year was unforgetable: a group of us prepared easter baskets for each teacher at school, jr docents at the Oakland Museum (I had the stained glass panel), the surprise birthday party we held for our teacher, Ms. Rotzin. My mom also sed then that we can remain in Lincoln until middle school. That week meant so much to me, friends all called saying their goodbyes, welcomes and just giving their support.
Each year since then all brought forth happy, sad, frustrated moments. Now that high school is over... I realize how stupid I put myself in harm's way. My first instances at love were unsuccessful. A new fear of fire intensified when one of my first high school friends passed away. The way I avoided my niece because she enter my life the same day he left. The realization that I was rejected by someone who mutually liked me... it's kinda funny. I spent at least two years sneaking glances or watching over him.. that I knew I lost a good friend. It all stemmed from jealousy, otherwise he woulda remained one of my closest friends. I picked up tennis because of him. Well, polished my game more.. ;]
Running is still one of my first loves. I only wish now I dedicated more of me to it. My exit from high school was a sad one, but had to be done.
Two other things made me who I was.. my ongoing struggle with eating. I'm not proud of or was properly diagnosed for. This intensified when my friend passed away. Sadness, trying to stake model student.. you forget to eat. Days go by, appetite for lunch decreased to nonexistent. I ate meals at dinner to compensate for hunger pains. It was so bad by high school, I could no longer distinguish hunger, any food I ate tasted like styrofoam. I didnt realize by trading in, my grades dropped, my mentality went from the top to nearly hitting the ground. It took 2 trips to the hospital, one a week short of 18.. to understand I was almost emanciated. It didn't quite get better until this year when I started to eat regular meals.. and actually enjoying them.
Eating disorders... take away you mentally. Even if I'm "better"... there's still the every day battle with food, your self image and others' opinions of you (or in my case, the slimming mirrors). It hurts me more when others bring up lightly that I'm anorexic or bulimic.. or when others want to diet by skipping meals hoping that extra calorie or piece of fat isn't stored somewhere they can pinch or shiver. Which is another reality... shivering in the hottest weather and the extra fine hairs produced... while you lose hair elsewhere (mainly head) and it becomes so brittle that it used to snap on contact with fingers. I think back... that was me.
Life is funny sometimes.. lessons learned from others' experiences.
Like I had to take something for granted to understand what love is. Now that it's part of me again... how will I respond?
I'm feeling everything firsthand.. paired with naiveness (apparently this makes it comical for others). I fear commitment, feelings of loneliness, jealousy and the actual walking out. I look for respect, honesty, patience and his willingness to guide, less preach on something I haven't tried before. Most importantly.. I want to be loved for me, not because it's an obligation. That's it.. everything else builds from that.
I differ that I have no set expectations.. in the sense, I can trust him. I don't expect the same expectations as his values differ from mine. I'm afraid of hurting, this I know is mutual. Though he asked, and many times so far.. it has been the same response based on a fear.. but I know it's unfair to not chance.. it'd be no different than saying no. I don't know if I'm ready nor will I know when it comes along.. with him, I'm not afraid.
That's something I couldn't say a week ago. Peace :)
Last night was fun. After a week of coaxing me to go out and meet his high school friends, we settled at going to the main dinner. The original plan was an attending afterparty (seriously, what's an afterparty... when it's aready a party?) where I knew no one, shouldn't drink and anticipate interrogation.
The getting ready part was such a drag; but it must have been important since my friends were all helping me with the 7+ hours. Jack accompanied me to shop for dresses; picked 2 identical numbers, which only differed by color, decided on the brown for the dinner. Getting ready was amusing, I only successfully applied polish on half of me before releasing a frustrated "screw it". Benny, Susan and Saki (my awesome roommate) helped with the stress and in varying ways. Finally at 730/740, Susan K (Susan's roommate) was kind enough to do the makeup while Ricky shows up outta nowhere with a camera, either document the day or provoke me while Susan K is working her skills. By then, boy + his friend has shown up.
But it was fun, his friends seem really nice. And oh dinner was at Roppongi, this upscale Japanese restaurant within walking distance of the shores of La Jolla.
After the dinner, the two of us headed to the Cliffs in dT La Jolla. I guess it's different at night, calm and undramatic where you can only guess whether those blacken solid things laying on the ground are either rocks or (seals) haha. Whichever it was, kinda was lost there in the soft breeze and small cresent of a moon.
I returned, and he went to the afterparty. I really liked how he didn't coherce me to go since it would meant that he'd have to pay more attention to me than his friends. And the whole party in hotel isn't something I can really do.
That to me was more a date (getting ready+dinner+shore), than last week's "1st"dinner+Yogurt+beach or beach+dinner+tap. Oh wait, it's basically the same. San Diego definitely spoils with the numerous beaches (La Jolla Shore, Mission Bay Crown Pt and dT La Jolla Coves)
It's been good so far. :]
Kay, it's Admit Day outside. Inside... gotta finish this remainder of homework before another night ;]
So yesterday was semi-productive. After a day/evening of 6hrs of classes (granted it was really 5hr20min, with 30min break) altogether, I just couldn't concentrate on working. So returned my books at dT LJ library, went to UTC (University Towne Center) Mall and hung out with Travis+ Naomi, my old coworkers from GAP. It was definitely a treat to see them after a few months of hermitting from UTC. I basically haven't stopped by the mall since submitting the 2weeks notices last yr.
Charlotte looks chill now. I'm glad that the girls are less catty because the whole environment just seems different. In a good sense.
Then, he came to visit. Always a pleasure, just don't tell him that. He did had to point out that I high-fived him the poor dude last week after a night out. I must had high-fived someone else that day because it just seemed instinctive, almost habituous.
Today was partially fabulous, in otherwords distressful after an episode of ms.absentee. I went in panic mode after discovering my keys were gone. After alerting Res Life/ others, finally resolved to tracing my steps back to OASIS. Thank god. That was such a preventable tearjerking moment.
Been pretty tired recently. Mostly stress from financial worries. Hopefully that'd be resolved totally before summer begins. I'm debating whether I stay in SD again for the majority of summer. Most likely if I do, will be auditing 2nd SS courses.. and that leaves some time chilling here and him. I can also be more self-centered and go home following first session. Then also family and friends to consider since Patty/ Janet are on semester schedule too..
Just taking life one day at a time. I'm really excited about meeting my cousins! So hopefully, nxt week's weekend trip will be something to look forward to. :]
